The Ultimate Battle

I have a daily battle with God. Not with the elusive "all-knowing" being that no one can feel, hear or see, but the One who is ALWAYS there. The One who sits behind my eyes, curls up in my ears and who stands on my heart like a boulder.

Mostly we battle about the usual things - politics, religion, sex. But lately its been about me. Like, my soul, my joy, and my fears. The One seems to know what it is that I want, what it is that I search for like a moth in the night. And I try with all my stuburness and fortitude to ignore the truth that encircles me. But then it sits at my feet and I cannot ignore it any longer for I trip on it daily and it takes my feet right out from under me. Its only here when I'm on my knees that I admit that God has won one more battle. And that's what it is - a battle. A constant fight for what I feel is mine and what God knows is His.

And so the Ultimate Battle continues.

Eyes and Ears

I need focus. I need perspective. I need to climb up to the top and look down so I can see my path – where I’m headed and where I may or may not end up. To myself I say I am worth the time, patience and gentleness that I give to others. To myself I say I can choose to accomplish whatever I want and I will succeed at anything I choose to. To myself I question why I have made decisions that keep me in a place of bitterness, self-doubt and suppression.

I have a strength inside that I know still exists – there is still that fire that drives me. Not all of it is gone. And I have faith that I will not be here forever. But we all must walk through valley’s. We must all feel pain. It is the human condition.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had a good cry. I plan on crying some this week. I plan on taking some time to sit with myself – sit with the good, the bad and the ugly – cry when I need to – laugh when I want to – and ultimately say hello to all that I have ignored for way too long. At least that’s what I hope to do.

I just want him to see that – to have to look at every single tear and realize that each one represents every time he lied, every time he cheated, every time he got high and represents every single lost moment, every minute I spent searching for him, every hour of our wedding day that never happened and every day that I grieve what I’ve lost.

It’s been almost a year and I’m still here.