Change is inevitable, but growth is a choice. This may just help me make up my mind.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Eyes and Ears

I need focus. I need perspective. I need to climb up to the top and look down so I can see my path – where I’m headed and where I may or may not end up. To myself I say I am worth the time, patience and gentleness that I give to others. To myself I say I can choose to accomplish whatever I want and I will succeed at anything I choose to. To myself I question why I have made decisions that keep me in a place of bitterness, self-doubt and suppression.

I have a strength inside that I know still exists – there is still that fire that drives me. Not all of it is gone. And I have faith that I will not be here forever. But we all must walk through valley’s. We must all feel pain. It is the human condition.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had a good cry. I plan on crying some this week. I plan on taking some time to sit with myself – sit with the good, the bad and the ugly – cry when I need to – laugh when I want to – and ultimately say hello to all that I have ignored for way too long. At least that’s what I hope to do.

I just want him to see that – to have to look at every single tear and realize that each one represents every time he lied, every time he cheated, every time he got high and represents every single lost moment, every minute I spent searching for him, every hour of our wedding day that never happened and every day that I grieve what I’ve lost.

It’s been almost a year and I’m still here.