No more ink in my printer...

"Things happen for a reason" - we've all heard that classic cliche, usually brought up in times of struggle when friends and family or sometimes complete strangers attempt to console and comfort you when it seems the world has come to a hault. It certainly can help ease the soul to believe there may be something greater happening than we are able to recognize when shit hits the fan in our lives, but the questions remains: is it true? Do things happen for a reason? Is there some ultimate plan behind everything that happens in our lives or is it all up to chance, success, failure? I am not sure how to answer this question, I don't think there is a clear answer, which makes it all the more hard when trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my life...

This past year I was faced with the decision of continuing my academic by enrolling in a pre-masters program or entering into the work force. Stupidly I chose both thinking my abilities that got me through my undergrad would automatically follow into my post-grad - ability to pull all-nighters, caffeine actually having an effect on me, being able to function under stress with no sleep and still manage to drink more beer on any given night just to escape the chaos I created .... but something happened and those abilities were not there to fall back on when push came to shove and I failed. Actually, that doesn't cut it - I failed miserably.

The truth is I am not academic - the bow-ties, big leather couches and sips of bourbon over stale conversation does not appeal to an ideallystic hippy such as myself, but I worked my ass off for four years and was able secure a pretty decent GPA so that I had options, choices when it came to doing my Masters. I worked throughout my university career and while at times the stress almost became too much to bear, I ALWAYS got my papers finished and handed in on time, my presentations were always well researched, and somehow I was able to retain an incredible amount of information the night before my final exams!!! I guess I thought that if I could do that three years running - working with a full course load - why would this be any different.?

Apparently it was... or maybe I just lost my edge. Perhaps thats what scares me - that I may have lost my ability to pump it out when its most needed, to kick ass when the odds are low and the tension great. I used to pride myself on the things that I could accomplish in such a short amount of time and under great amounts of stress. But the accolades were not enough to soothe the strain on my soul or my mind and perhaps this Spring was my breaking point.

I didn't finish my thesis. I tried, God knows I tried... and I am angry. I am angry at myself for failing, I am angry at myself for giving up and I'm really angry at myself for becoming someone I have no respect for. Its like I lost trust in myself. How does that happen? How does someone lose trust in themselves? I'm afraid that I won't be able to rely on myself to succeed when the going gets tough - to carry on when it seems like there's no point, or no end. The worst of it is all the people I let down in the process. My parents, my friends, my fellow students; everyone who wanted to see me succeed just as much I wanted to.

I wanted that thesis so badly, I wanted to have the bound copy on my bookshelf to remind myself of what I had accomplished, I wanted my friends and family to come and hear me defend and present in front of my classmates and professors, and I wanted so badly to dedicate it to the man who encouraged me to do it in the first place, my Gordie. I have NEVER not finished something I started, I am not that person. I don't give up, I am not weak, I am not a failure. This feeling in the pit of my stomach is almost unbearable. A deadly mixture of anger, disappointment, saddnes and shame. What good is there to come of this? That is what I ask for now.

Perhaps it is knowing that I have a breaking point, that like any other human that I walk this earth with I can be broken and I can fail. Today was the day that I was to defend, but instead I worked a 10 hour day and came home to a bottle of wine and my cats.... wow. It's been a crazy year; between moving out of Van to utter loneliness on a freakin farm to taking on a job that literally could make even my mother go loopy - something had to give. Am I ok with that? No. But I've also realized that I am a crazy perfectionist with a stress complex that has had my blood pressure at an unhealthy level for probably the majority of my life. That is what I am working on now..... fun fun fun.

Whatever, I have decided to leave my job and leave this Valley. Change, once again, becomes my solace. Whats interesting is that today I realized that in reality it did not all go to waste. When I told my bosses I was leaving they were upset, but not because of why I thought they would be upset. They said they worried about whether they could find someone who could do as of a job as I did...

I didn't write my thesis, but I did do a hell of a job working my ass off at everything else.

BOOYA