Growing Pains

I often sit alone on my porch, coffee in one hand, smoke in the other, and picture life as if I am painting a picture that I could jump into and escape the monotony of what my life consists of now. Not to say that I am unhappy or believe that my life is devoid of meaning; quite the contrary, however, I am unsatisfied in many ways. I have a hunger that growls deep within me and a thirst that seems can only be quenched by glacier waters from the highest peak in the most isolated mountains this world possesses. I am on a quest to reach that peak; metaphorically and otherwise. My fear merely comes from my belief that I will never get there; that I will never have that thirst quenched and I will die from the growling hunger.

I have began to realize that I seek chaos; in many ways it makes me feel alive. It gives me something to fight against. Does that make me strange? Does it make me less of a person that I find my humanity when surrounded by struggle, pain and tragedy. It is not because I think I can save this world, or myself for that matter, it is only because I see true beauty in the face of loss. I am surrounded by people who don’t understand what loss is, in all its various forms. To lose yourself is the tragedy of life, but I see it as an opportunity for rebirth. I want to lose myself over and over again, until the collection of me combines into something I can only understand in connection to my experiences: what I have learned, what I have gained, what I have lost and what I have felt.

I want to go to the places in this world where the struggle to survive is real; where freedom goes beyond materialism, individual gain and power; where the fight against social control is second to a clean glass of water that is a gift from the Gods and where joy comes from within rather than from things external. I don’t want complacency, I don’t want schedules, I don’t want to be organized or ‘reliable’ (in our sense of the word).I want my goals to be a reflection of my passion, that bring life to my world, rather than conform to the expectations and external demands of the capitalist state that sucks me dry….

I believe in the Creator, I believe in his strength, in his undying compassion, and in his vision for my life. He walks with me daily, although, most of the time I am too wrapped up in the distractions I have placed in my life to fully comprehend the power I am so close to. I have been on the brink of self-disclosure for majority of my life….. sitting the picket fence I have painted with colours of confusion, despair, strength and joy…. Rocking back and forth, desperately wanting to be one side of the fence, but unable to muster the courage to let go.

And love. Yes, the ultimate peak, the unattainable joy. He speaks of love like I dream of it. His words are like velvet ribbons caressing over my body and filling me with warmth I haven’t felt in years. I want what we wants, I want to receive what he wants to give and I want to give what he longs for. But what does that mean? I want to bring him his coffee while he write fairy-tales of love, legends of war and anecdotes of philosophy. I want to be his inspiration, the person who gives him strength in his weakest moments, and celebrates with him in his times of triumph.

I have experienced true and unequivocal love, I was young, yes, but it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my life. To look at a person and have no breath, to feel like your chest will explode if you love them anymore. I was blessed to experience that, and I am even more blessed to still have that person in my life, but things changed and there was too much time in between.

I wonder, if I'm on this high right now, a drug of anticipated love, possible forevers, dreams come true; but highs never last, depending on the drug, 30 seconds to a few days tops. The infatuation can be unbearable… but only for a time and then it dissipates. Will this happen, I wonder. I don’t want the dream, I want the reality. I want to give away my worldly possessions and live out of my old and torn backpack, travel the world and seek beauty and humanity in the furthest corners …

My mind is a tornado of thoughts and ‘what ifs’; but my heart is at peace, like the calm after a storm. He's given that to me. What do I do with that?

Autumn