Change is inevitable, but growth is a choice. This may just help me make up my mind.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

"I was in prison and you visited me"

The very few of you who read this (lazy and quite sad) attempt at a blog probably know that for the last three years a huge part of my life has been going to prisons. Not for the traditional reasons of breaking the law, although I admit that wouldn't be far off the mark. No, I started going to prison because in some strange way I felt called to be there. This 'calling' was certainly not heard for majority of my life. In fact, for a while there I felt a calling to bring back capital punishment. My opinions regarding criminals were guided by hatred and vengeance, rather than compassion and forgiveness. But this shift did not happen over night.

It was in my restorative justice class that my values and beliefs about criminals and the system were challenged from the bottom-up. At first I tried to ignore the gnawing in my chest and the little voice in my head, and i was relatively succesful at this until a convicted murderer in his 19th year of incarceration came into my class to speak with us. At first I was mad and I asked lots of harsh questions, hoping his true character would show through and I would instantly feel fine again. This wasn't the case, in fact this man had me so twisted up inside after hearing his story that I felt compelled to learn more. We had lunch together that afternoon and went over the Victoria together for a RJ symposium a few weeks later. He coined me his 'problem child' and for two years he became a solace in my life and me in his. The Creator has amazing ways of strategically placing certain people in our lives at certain times and this was nothing short of a miracle relationship. I loved G. as a father and he loved me as his child. He was taken away from his own children and they no longer wanted to have anything to do with him, a loss that was so much greater for him than the loss of his own freedom. He was taken away from me nad many others who loved him this past July and the grief was at times too great. But I am thankful and I am blessed to have known him for he showed me a better way of being.....


Anyhow, on with my story. I was introduced to the "Alternatives to Violence Project" (AVP) three years ago in my Restorative Justice class and then again at the Restorative Justice Symposium at William Head Instiutition. I decided that I would "blindly go where no 21 year old 4'11 redhead had ever gone before" and attend an AVP Basic Workshop inside William Head Institution. AVP changed my life and to many of my friends and family's shock I quickly became part of a small community of anarchistic hippies known as "AVP Lifers"!!! AVP became an addiction, it became the most important thing in my life and it wasn't uncommon for me to be in prison every single weekend for weeks at a time (on my own free will, of course). I quickly became a facilitator of these workshops that focus on community, empowerment, affirmation, communication and non-violence and realized that never again would I know how to 'really' communicate (in other words, heartspeak) with people without sitting in cirlce.

While I speak of how much I love prison, it is the people inside and the relationships that are built that are to love. Prison is a horrible place - regardless of how the ignorant media protray it. Imagine going to a place that exists only because there is pain and hurt and violence in the world. You hear stories of such pain and torment that at times you question the existance of God. When hundreds of very hurt and angry people are placed into a crowded pen together, its hard to imagine anything but more anger and hurt to be created. However, I have experienced more love, compassion and humanity behind prison walls than I have anywhere else on this planet. Perhaps it is because there is such a hunger to recevie it behind the razor wire, or perhaps it is because I feel such a need to give it. Regardless, in the last three years of 'going inside' I have learned more about myself than the past 10 years combined. I have loved more, I have gave more, I have cried and laughed more, and I have experienced the true essence of humanity. Very few in this world are blessed with that opportunity, and I am grateful. Yet at times it has been a curse for when you are shown a different way of 'being' everything else in life becomes mundane, fake and scripted.

It is truly a humbling experience going to prison. You are instantly have a renewed appreciation for the freedom you possess when you are faced with someone who has none. You are reminded of all the things you take for granted in life and you learn to appreciate the small things even more. And more than anything you are forced to realize that no one behind the fence is any different than you are. I could be there, too, and so could you. Those who sleep behind the razor wire are a segment of our society that is easily forgotten when out of sight, yet everyone seems to have an opinion when they are thrown back into the lime light. Cut off from their loved ones, their only connection to the outside world is what is on T.V. and the few community folk who have chosen to pass through into their world.

This is a constant struggle for me, particularly now that I no longer have the ability to be a part of AVP. However, that will be explained later. Going to prison can be particularly difficult for a person like me as I was born to oppose authority and fight injustice. Prison is a breeding ground for both and whats worse is there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do about it. That's the nature of the authoritarian system of aboslute power and control - it increases its own power as an entity by systematically taking away the power of individuals. You see people dehumanized and at times I myself have felt treated without dignity nor respect. But you suck it up and try to keep your mouth shut. For there is no room for questions or comments about how you feel you're being treated or anyone else for that matter. You enter timid and respectful, careful not to be too friendly or too withdrawan (both could be seen as 'suspicious behaviour') and you silently fight to keep inline with your values without getting thrown out of prison. There have been many who have not lasted this fight - we have missed them and we have been frustrated with not being able to stand up against the injustice that the prison system flourishes on. I have been harassed and bullied, lied to and disrespected many times while in prison...... and not by the inmates. But, again that is the nature of prison and as much as I wish to believe it could change, I have realized that will not until people other than us bleeding hearts, wish to see it change.

It was in July of last summer that I realized that AVP could no longer be a part of my life, not because I did not want to do it anymore, but because I am a horrible liar......I'll explain. I fell in love. I did what I thought would NEVER happen and I actually went against everything my head was telling me. I never went to prison to find a relationship (regardless of what all the guards thought), yet it happened and I was forced to make the most difficult decision of my life to date for it meant that if I was to admit this feeling and start a relationship with his person I would have to walk away from AVP. I was forced to decided between the most important person in my life and the most important activity in my life. Sure, we could have hid it and lied and we discussed doing that so I could continue with AVP. But when it came down to it I wanted to be open and honest and transparent, if I didn't I would be a hypocrite and a liar. So, we held a cirlce and told our fellow AVP'ers and I walked away.

There are certainly still times that I cry over the grief of losing the ability to be a part of AVP and I went through a long period of feeling very disconnected from my community and friends who I went to prison with, at times I still do. But I also feel an incredible sense of peace about my decision and my relationship with this man. He is the most beautiful human being I have ever known and he has taught me so much about life and love, forgiveness and compassion. He has struggled in life, as well have, yet he has come up from the bottom with the purest heart and a resolve for peace and non-violence. I have been blown away by the support I have received from people. My parents have overwhelmed me with their understanding and unconditional support in this relationship. For that I am so thankful. No doubt we will encounter opposition to our relationship and I may lose respect from individuals, but that is just ignorance and judgement and those people are the ones who have to live with that, not me.

Dustin goes up for parole next week. We are both wrought with anxiety as our life lies in the hands of three strangers. It is difficult not to dream and make plans, I so long for him to finally BE a part of my life, but there is danger in being too hopeful as there is always danger in the unknown. But that is life, and this is my story. I feel blessed being able to share a part of it.

Autumn